A Personal Journey with Anger

All this month, we’ll be exploring how our stories impact the way we experience, interpret, and navigate our emotions. This theme will be woven throughout our social media, newsletters, and discussions within our cohort membership. We want you to be able to dig down deep with us through all of these channels. Clarity about how your emotions are impacted can reveal new choices available to you, so that you don’t have to live under the control of your past experiences. Understanding your own story is an invitation to freedom.

To kick off this topic, I thought I’d share a vulnerable moment involving anger from my own life. Brace yourself for a laugh and perhaps a cringe as I share a story about an eruption I had with my 4-year-old son at bedtime.

Picture this: I was heavily pregnant with my daughter, and my husband was away for work. Hormones were undoubtedly playing their part, but little did I know, this marked the onset of a season where anger simmered beneath the surface within me almost every moment of the day. Ever been there?

On this particular night, after diligently working on reciting our Bible verses, my son refused to pray before bedtime. His resistance triggered a hidden rage within me that didn’t match the circumstances in the moment (always an indicator that your story might be showing up). A heated exchange followed, and in a moment of manipulation, I told him, "Fine, don't pray. Goodnight."

Behind a closed door, my son cried as I retreated to my bedroom, grabbed a pillow from the bed and knelt in silent rage in my dark closet, furiously punching the pillow. Picturing my massive pregnant self beating up my pillow makes me chuckle a bit at first, but a heart-wrenching grief quickly follows with the honest confession that neither my son nor I were being cared for adequately during that season.

In such moments, criticism and shame often rear their heads, berating us with thoughts like, "What's wrong with you? You're a terrible mom. Pull it together." However, love and compassion gently inquire, "What are you truly angry about? Let's explore it together and address the deeper needs of your heart."

After I calmed down, repentance became necessary. I returned to my son's room, sought his forgiveness, and admitted the harm I had caused. While repair is a valuable gift, it wasn't until three years later that I delved into the root of my anger. 

I've since learned that anger is often a mask for more complex emotions like despair, loneliness, disappointment, overwhelm, or confusion. Back then, I was unknowingly avoiding acknowledging these deeper emotions, leading to repeated uncontrollable bursts of anger.

Understanding that anger itself is not a sin, I've realized that leaving it unexpressed and uncared for can give rise to a toxic brew of rage and bitterness, severing connections with ourselves, God, and others. 

The key to preventing anger from dictating our reactions lies not in avoiding it but in processing it with love, safety, and support.

I’m expectant for the self-discovery and emotional growth that awaits us this month as we learn this hard process together.

Tori Hein