Empowered to Ask for What You Need

I had been having a rough time with shame and self loathing over the course of a few months; it was building to a head and causing major dissociation. It took me a while to be able to bring it up to my partner, because I was afraid he wouldn’t respond in a way that matched what I needed at that moment.

When I did open up to tell him about it, the feelings came spewing out, and I was able to get a lot of the internal struggle I had been feeling off of my chest - which at first, felt like a relief.

And… He didn’t respond the way I needed. My intuition was “right”!... a confirmation that my brain could run with as further “proof” that I should just continue to isolate and keep things to myself, because no one else can be there for me at my lowest.

The truth is, my partner was genuinely understanding, but his reaction was to help eliminate the shame when I just needed him to commiserate with me in it. 

His methods of support made me feel missed in my emotions; I needed to be soothed - not solved.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. My chest felt hot and tight, my lips were firmly pressed together, and my eyes were traveling around the room - searching for a place in my brain that I could dump these feelings of rage. I knew resentment was present, but there was also an unmet desire to be seen and held in my grief and frustration.

I realized in the moment that I had a choice to make. I could either “protect my peace” by keeping this disappointment to myself, or I could protect the relationship by speaking up about my needs and how I felt missed. Overwhelmingly, I felt like my silence in this moment would move us further away from each other, and I didn’t want that for us. This pattern was already so present in my own story, and was continuing to be repeated in our marriage. By showing up for us, I was actually showing up for me - the “me” in my childhood that was held responsible for consoling her own tears as a toddler, because my parents couldn’t tolerate emotions other than their own anger.

As an adult, it's my responsibility to communicate what I need from the people who have the ability and intention to love me. 

At the end of the day, I felt empowered to ask for what I needed. I was able to see my husband’s response as data that he intended to be supportive, AND he had his own fears to contend with that made him want to save me from my shame. Handling these conversations with empathy and understanding is how we build the safety that will eventually give way to healing our own unhealthy childhood patterns and insecure attachment styles.

One hard (but HOLY) conversation at a time. 

Mallory Albrecht
Freedom Coach