Has This Ever Been Your Prayer?
I remember the love I felt as I walked off stage after my first major performance. My oversized pink glasses and giant front teeth put the capital “A” in my pre-teen awkwardness, but during this moment Proverbs 18:16 miraculously materialized, "Giving a gift can open doors; it gives access to important people." My gift had made room for me and I felt God’s smile as the crowd exploded in applause. This moment introduced me to a reality I had yet to parse out: being chosen is essential to feeling loved.
But there’s a difference between being chosen for how well you performversus being chosen for who you are.
As the years passed, I wrestled with this difference as opportunities to serve God became a love language between us. Over time I subconsciously believed that open doors were a sign of soul-level approval. The relational payoff of feeling loved through opportunities fueled a bottomless desire to be used of God. A culture that worships vocational achievement added fuel to this fire.
A pattern began to consume my life. My gift made me useful and over time my gifts became more of a priority than my soul. My young, subconscious narrative sounded like this:
“Want to feel love, validation, and belonging on a spiritual level? Then, be USEFUL to God.”
One day, on the heels of extreme burnout I had an epiphany. I had settled for being useful when what I really longed for was to be loved.
As I stood at an ocean’s edge one Summer with no ministry opportunities in sight I whispered, “God, all I have to give you is my heart.” In that moment I felt the overwhelming purity of His delight wash over me in an understanding that required very few words. “That’s enough.”
I had spent decades striving to make God proud when all He wanted was my heart.
The end of idolizing usefulness marked the beginning of prioritizing attentiveness to God’s presence and the unforced gift of His love.
That season ushered in foundational truths:
- Receiving God’s love is not transactional, it's relational. I am fearfully and wonderfully made from and for a Father’s love that flows from the purity of a Father’s heart (Psalm 139)
- God invites me to be present to His Presence. Healthy usefulness flows from a relationship-first life with God in which intimacy with Him is the primary love language.
- God’s love flows continuously but idols in our lives can block attentiveness to notice His loving activity within us and around us. What we starve will lose its power and what we feed will grow.
How can you be intentional about becoming more attuned to God’s loving Presence? Maybe your next step is seeking biblical counsel in the form of spiritual direction - I would love to enter into this conversaion with you. Don’t settle for being useful, when what your heart so deeply longs for is to be loved.
Tanya Godsey
FREEDOM MOVEMENT
Director of Spiritual Formation
