Can I be REAL with you?

Can I be REAL with you? For the past several weeks, I’ve noticed my own behavior begin to shift and spiral toward unhealthy habits. 

• I have been dissociating more. 
• I have been avoiding necessary self-care. 
• I have been unavailable to people that I love. 
  (Condolences to everyone who has texted me in the past three weeks!)

Typing this out and naming the shift in behaviors DOES make me feel a certain way - I won’t lie. But if I have learned ANYTHING at all from this healing journey, it’s that shame isn’t helpful to my health or growth - shame blocks transformation and keeps me in limiting beliefs with little hope. So, I try my best to challenge self judgement with compassion; which is easier to do when I rebrand a spiral as a message from a part of myself that is asking for help. This part of me might feel stuck at a younger age with limited skills, so this part might not have the language to advocate for the accommodations or boundaries that she needs - she’s communicating through these sudden behavior changes. And it’s brilliant! The way to set her free from these unhelpful behaviors is to allow this part of myself to be heard with curiosity and compassion, so that the parts of me that HAVE built up adaptive coping skills can make a more informed choice about how to recognize and soothe the big emotions I’m feeling. 

I'm sharing three repair methods YOU can practice whenever you notice a shift in mood or behavior that feels like it’s diverting from your growth:

As I lay in bed the other night, frustrated with my own decisions, I realized that there are several changes and challenges that this current season is holding that are making it difficult to stay regulated and present to my everyday life. One simple practice of compassion is saying out loud, “It makes sense...” “It makes sense that I’m having a difficult time right now, and I’m going to have compassion for these challenges. How can I invite the Holy Spirit into this with me?”

This requires self awareness and a foundation of trust. The more space for curiosity I am able to give - the more memory my conscious brain is able to recover to help me make sense of the relationship between my current challenges and unfavorable behavior.

Set a timer for five minutes and use that time to ask yourself open ended questions. 

Here are just a few sample questions to get your curiosity rolling: 

• What experience am I trying to protect myself from? 
• What am I afraid of losing?
• What are some other times these behaviors have been present? 
• How might this be related to my childhood?
• What do I need from myself or others to feel safe and supported?

Involve God in this process - He already knows your heart and promises to give us wisdom and understanding when we seek it from Him!

It’s important to understand the difference between choice and control. When I attempt to control my unwanted behavior, I am not responding with compassion and it can cause further setback. Behavioral changes that are based on controlling an outcome will do as much good as a bandaid on a broken limb; you need a fair amount of support to set a broken bone back in place. When I offer support to the unhealed parts of myself, I am not coddling or prolonging the unwanted behavior - I’m giving myself necessary accommodations while I regain the ability to make conscious choices that are good for me AND the relationships that are important to me. 

These accommodations might look like: 

• Finding ways to remove barriers from difficult tasks. 
• Setting REALISTIC permission and boundaries with the activities I use to dissociate. 
• Telling a close friend or partner about my experience and inviting them to be an empathetic witness.
• Making time for reflection with a therapist or mental health professional.
• Reducing social demand and giving myself permission to do less.

When unwanted behaviors resurface choosing compassion, curiosity, and helpful accommodations are what will facilitate the freedom you need to make better choices. 

Mallory Albrecht
FREEDOM MOVEMENT