Searching for a distraction? 🫣🙋‍♀️🫠

Last year, I suddenly found myself sinking into in a season of grief that felt suffocating. The kind of grief that affects your entire body and seeps into every area of life...

As a child, whenever adults around me got upset and aggravated, I witnessed an explosion of anger or frustration; loud yelling and demanding expectations were all a part of the equation when adults had big feelings. Simultaneously, when I had BIG feelings, I was conditioned to sit alone in my room, to think about the consequences of my emotions, and to not return to the family until I had finished my tears.

The pattern that my body learned was that I was not just alone in my grief, I was alone in ALL of my big emotions - they were too much for others, too big for me, and my tears were better off hidden behind the shield of a bedroom door with no witnesses to see them.

So when the grief and anger I had long-ago suppressed resurfaced this past Summer, it seemed to illicit all kinds of warning signals in my own body - I experienced symptoms similar to depression and burnout, along with intense physical pain. Who knew that 30+ year-old suppressed emotions could demand SO MUCH attention! Wow!

What I learned through this experience is that our bodies process our grief much like we’ve learned to process other emotional stressors. I instinctively wanted to abandon my grief, abandon myself, and cope through the underlying feelings alone in my bedroom with an endless supply of snacks and shows to distract myself from reality.

What helped me the most through the process wasn’t to RESIST my natural coping mechanisms (I knew I couldn't force myself out of dissociation), what helped was actually learning to PARTNER with the Holy Spirit to attune to the scared and overwhelmed seven year old girl - to give her SPACE and SUPPORT.

I learned that through support (not control), my nervous system could finally feel safe enough to express the pain of past trauma - allowing me to release the sharpness of that pain and to integrate back into my present reality.


Mallory Albrecht 
Freedom Movement