Late Night Confessions and a Stolen Book

This isn't really a pleasant confession for me...

But I have a feeling it's gonna resonate with you.

For my family’s Secret Santa gift exchange, I brought Brené Brown’s book, “Atlas of the Heart.” Suuuper chill for a gift exchange, I know! It only took me a few minutes and two unwrapped gifts to realize that I didn't bring this book for them, I brought it for ME - I chose the book in hopes that a family member would read it and get to know me.

I desired for someone in my family to pick up the same emotional language that I’ve been learning. In that moment, it became clear to me that even if someone did unwrap my gift, it’s likely that no-one from my family was hoping to get this book (at least not from a “fun” Christmas exchange), and they probably wouldn’t read it. Once I recognized this, I knew I had to steal the book back for myself and quietly stew in this mix of emotions for the rest of the afternoon. 

Later that night, as my husband and I tossed and turned in bed I whispered through the darkness as tears rolled down my cheeks, “I wish I was easy-going and fun, like some of the other people I love.” 

On a deeper level, I wish that someone knew how to have fun in the ways I’m designed by God to play. 

In that moment, I became very aware of how my story had impacted the “gift” I brought to my family’s exchange. Much of the work that I’ve done with a story-coach has pivoted curiously around my impulse to overwork and the looming responsibility I feel to be a perfect role model for others. All my doing for others has really hindered by ability to fully feel loved by them. I was feeling resentment and disconnection; picturing a family member of mine doing the emotional work to read Brené’s book felt like exactly what I needed to get my emotional needs met.

I wasn’t upset that the people I love are playful and funny. I’m upset because carrying the weight of so much responsibility affects my capacity for play, rest, and fun. Unwrapping that book in the gift exchange certainly wouldn’t have been harmful to anyone in my family (heck, it might have HELPED someone). But the chances of one of my siblings maybe reading this book isn’t what will make me feel more connected to my family - I actually needed connection with the parts of myself that have been exiled. 

It’s interesting to notice some of the ways that our stories can have affect on the simple, daily decisions that we make. When it comes to decision making and understanding how trauma effects our responses, plans, and goals - it’s essential we remain compassionate, curious, and gentle with ourselves as we sift through the complexities of our emotions, making decisions that are grounded in truth and love. 

Tori Hein
Freedom Movement