Leading From Desire vs. Demand

"I come from a lineage of strong, creative, and brilliant women who were never labeled as "leaders."

My grandma was from a generation where women accepted that their husbands were to be the head of the household while they could only be the neck—cautiously and silently guiding and turning the head in the right direction but never daring to accept recognition for the complex situations they meticulously handled at home or for the family.

Growing up, I watched my mother take the reins a bit more, trusting her instincts to step up and do the right thing in many situations—though sometimes reluctantly and not without some resentment. These strong women served from the sidelines, never verbally acknowledging the leadership gifts they possessed, still not fully realizing the mantle of strength and wisdom they carried.

I believe that reluctant leadership stems from doubt and demand; I’ve seen it in my mother, and I’ve witnessed it in myself. It starts with an urgent sense that something isn’t right and the realization that no one else is going to step up to fix it. So, you reluctantly toss your hat in the ring and are quickly filled with resentment at the first sign of trouble. Why? Probably because you never believed you were supposed to lead in the first place. Your desire for goodness may have been overshadowed by the urgency of demand from a hurting world. Maybe you believed the lie that you couldn’t possibly lead the way others do.

"As women, and even more so for women of color, leadership has often felt like a table we're not invited to sit at, but instead, we're expected to set and serve for those who have secured their seat."

Maybe part of the harm you've experienced was being told that you couldn’t lead like others, and you believed it.

But you don’t have to live this lie. You were created in the image of God, invited to partner in creating something unique, lovely, and good. Your meekness doesn’t make you weak, and your femininity hasn’t disqualified you. In fact, denying your greatness and gifts is a false humility that breeds contempt and forces you to lead from demand instead of a missional desire to create goodness. 

Here are some distinctions to contemplate the difference between demand and desire in your own life as you sort through what your invitation to lead may look like.

Leading from Desire...

A strong feeling of want or need, motivated by an internal drive.
The script we tell ourselves: “I need to do this, because I was created for this kind of work.”

Leading from DESIRE feels like:

• A sense of responsibility.

• A longing to create goodness.

• You’re invited into productivity - your value is separate from what you produce.

Failure is a part of the learning process.

Leading from Demand...

An insistent and preemptive request often from an outside source, made by right or privilege. The script we tell ourselves: “I need to do this, because no one else will.”

Leading from DEMAND feels like:

• A sense of dread.

• A fear of losing belonging.

• Your productivity dictates your value.

Failure (or exposure) is avoided at all costs.

I’m still unpacking the ways that this mindset has touched my own life and tables I’ve quietly backed away from that I have been meant to take a seat at. I’m still contemplating the ways this lineage of silenced and frustrated women in my family shows up when I’m faced with the opportunity to choose desire or resentment in my own invitations to leadership.

“Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!” 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 MSG 

6 Ways to resist Demand and protect Good Desire

1. “I’m tempted to hide my weaknesses from others”. Seek safe exposure from those with skills to listen without judgement.

2. "I don’t ask for help when I need it.” Collaboration adds value to the project and the team/family, seeking help is not a threat to your competence.

3. “I feel resentment and exhaustion because I’ve avoided setting boundaries.” Learn your healthy limits and honor them. Margin is good. Setting boundaries protects your capacity and your relationships

4. “I resist connection with people I like; I believe they won’t understand how I’m feeling". We are created for connection. Ask God for help identifying those who will be supportive and understanding.

5. “I miss out on good opportunities because I resist stepping out into something new”. Embrace change; know that your mission ___ be carried out in many different ways. Change is inevitable and growth is exciting.

6. "I’m making choices that I regret, and I don’t know how to stop living out these patterns." Assess your heart health by inviting the Holy Spirit to reveal to you of the underlying issues that are causing you to compromise your integrity and your mission.
   

Any one of us could be experiencing varying degrees of leading from demand or desire. Read and reflect on the following statements and identify the ONE that you currently resonate with the most.

1. I don’t like to ask for help, I would rather be stressed out doing things alone, instead. 

2. I don't want others to know what I struggle with most in life or in my area of ministry.

3. I’ll agree to things I don’t have time to do, because I don’t want to let others down.

4. I often feel like I am alone, even though I know that I have friends at church.

5. Even after I’ve worked hard on something good, I never feel like I’m doing enough.

Questions to ponder about demand:

Where do you think this way of thinking might be influenced from?

What do you think God would say to you to combat this limiting thought pattern?

What would change in your life and relationships if you could choose not to hold onto this way of thinking and believing about yourself?

Now, let’s identify an area where desire is already at work in your life! Read and reflect on the following statements to identify the one that you resonate with most.

1. Including others in my growth process helps everyone succeed.

2. Inviting a safe friend into my weaknesses makes me feel seen and cared for.

3. I set appropriate boundaries, because I want to be my best self long-term.

4. Committing to remaining in healthy community is important to me, even when it’s hard.

5. Rest never has to be earned - it’s a spiritual practice that helps me rely on God.

Questions to ponder about Desire:

In what ways does this mindset help you to thrive in life and leadership?

Further Resources:

For a further resource on leading from demand vs. leading from desire - listen to The Honest Pod, episodes 61 & 62 with Karrie Garcia and Jen Jones.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honest-pod/ id1526757073?i=1000570712249

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honest-pod/ id1526757073?i=1000571598829

Mallory 
Freedom Coach