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It was the 100th day of school and my 7 year old was dressing up like a 100 year old man to celebrate. He was so excited to get his costume together; he even went the extra mile to look up how to create wrinkles on his face using my eyebrow pencil.
That morning, we put on his suspenders, pulled his pants up super high, sprayed his hair white, and drew on the wrinkles. He loved the final look and couldn’t wait to get to school to see the other kids in his class!
Later, at school pickup, he ran straight to me in tears saying that he had been teased for the wrinkles on his face. It broke my heart as he explained how he tried to wash the wrinkles off, but it didn’t work.
As I asked more questions, I discovered that he noticed he was the only one in his class with wrinkles on his face before I even left him at school for the day. He said he wanted to wipe them off then and there - feeling embarrassed that he didn’t do his costume like the other kids. When I asked why he hadn’t told me earlier, his response left my heart on the floor:
“I didn’t want you to be frustrated with me, Mom.”
Ugh, THIS got me! Why did he think I’d be frustrated if he had asked me to wipe the wrinkles off before I left the school? He began explaining that there are times when he has needed something or he changes his mind, and his dad and I react in a harsh way; he didn’t want me to be upset with him.
As hard as this was to hear, it was true. I started to recall moments when we’ve gotten annoyed as he’s shared a need that might feel inconvenient to our plans or schedules - and he’s experienced shame through our frustration about it.
This truth was gut wrenching to sit with, because I knew this pain in my own story - As a child, I believed that I was an inconvenience because some of my basic needs seemed to frustrate the people that were meant to care for me. I learned, early on, that to have needs and desire meant that I could lose love and connection. This shame I have experienced around my own needs can limit how I love others, at times.
None of us will ever achieve perfect-parent status (we’re all flawed!) but I’m grateful to have the awareness of my story as a tool for understanding how my young experiences effect the way I show up for my own kids. It’s in moments like these that you and I have a choice to offer compassion to our young selves, instead of shame - seeking repentance and repair with our kids (and with God) to offer a different outcome. Which means that generational patterns are being broken and my son gets to experience a different kind of love than I did.
Abby Call
Freedom Coach
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