When Grief Shows Up as Physical Pain

"My body hates me."

It’s a phrase I don’t love but had gotten used to saying - usually with a shrug of my shoulders. I had been experiencing symptoms in my body that were intense, painful, and unexplainable. These four words felt like admitting defeat and labeling my body the scapegoat. My no-good, mean-spirited, unruly body was betraying me. Again.

One night, while lying awake, it dawned on me that maybe my body wasn’t bad at all - maybe my body had something to say. This may sound weird or woo-woo to you, but I promise you that the Holy Spirit was present in the room with me as He brought to my mind so many stories of pain, abandonment, and fear that my body had endured in the past.

I learned to cope with pain at a young age by completely ignoring my body and its signals of discomfort, and I had become someone who would push far beyond my physical limits often. I was praised for my ability to do this; it seemed moral and good in the culture I grew up in to constantly be a martyr and “sacrifice for Jesus”. Everything I did became about the good of others - but when you’re serving God and serving others in a way that ignores YOUR OWN image-bearing humanity, it’s actually dishonoring to God.

"As I have learned to slow down and listen to my own experiences...

honoring the pace of the grief that’s been stored in my body for decades, my body seems to be SPEAKING... LOUDLY. It speaks using unexplained physical ailments and long seasons of burnout and overwhelm to communicate that something is wrong… that something has been wrong for a long time.

Meaning that I have become safe, helpful, and non-judgmental of self - enough so that my brain is willing to recognize the care my body needs, and is now improving my brain and body connection.

The only way I can make sense of this is that, sometimes, as with many worthy challenges, it gets worse before it gets better. My experience with tending to the grief in my story has also meant tending to the pain stored in my body because of that grief. 

If grief and healing have felt like intense physical pain to you, you’re not doing it wrong, friend. Call that doctor, make that appointment, get those tests ordered - make sure you’re taking care of the medical needs that come with your body ailments. 100%. 

"Tend to your soul. Feel those young emotions that have been bottled up.

And also… Tend to your soul. Feel those young emotions that have been bottled up. Look your pain in the eyes and feel free to fall apart on the floor of your bedroom with grief and empathy for what your younger self needed to survive. This is the messy-middle of healing. This is the “already” AND “not-yet" of God’s redemptive good in my life.


Mallory