Why Are Friendships So Hard?

Throughout my life, female friendships have been fraught with complexity and discomfort. I was constantly on guard against rumors, jealousy, exploitation, or sudden abandonment by friends. 
 

In high school, one of my closest friends was court-ordered to only spend time with me. Honestly, I was more of a caretaker than a companion. She struggled with drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity, and I was the stabilizing Christian influence her mother hoped for. Despite our shared fun, I gave far more than I received, always sensing my steady character might not hold her interest once she regained freedom. That's exactly how it played out.

"It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I made a friend who didn't force me to compromise my values, siphon my goodness for her gain, or trap me in envious triangles of drama."

I recently celebrated my 33rd birthday in May. My husband gathered five of my closest friends for a simple dinner and dessert party. Among the hundreds of people I know and serve alongside, these women provide a rare place of belonging for me.

"They don't need me around, they want me around."

They offer me genuine companionship built on years of shared grief and joy. For many years, I deeply desired safe, trustworthy, and intimate friendships. Looking around the table that night, I realized how blessed I am to have these women in my life and reflected on the hard work it took to form my friendships with them.

Before doing trauma-informed story work, I couldn’t see the subconscious ways I would guard against intimacy out of fear of being taken advantage of. It was easier to gain followers, business partners, and admirers than it was for me to grow real friendships. Even a casual coffee invitation would trigger anxiety about expectations. My heart would race, my stomach would tense, and I’d ask myself, “What will they need from me that I won’t be able to give them?”

You are worthy of a good friend. Be gentle and generous with yourself and others in the process of cultivating friendships because they take time, perseverance, and vulnerability to nurture. Here are 5 steps to keep in mind as you build trustworthy friendships: 

Someday soon you'll have a friend– maybe a few of them all dressed up for a night on the town, or maybe just one friend snuggled up on a couch with a cup of tea who really knows you. God understands your need for intimacy and community. He designed you to connect authentically, so trust in the process. Vulnerability may feel risky, but the rewards of genuine friendships are worth the efforts. 

Tori Hein 
Marketing & Program Director